A good sense of humour is extremely important to 4wd owners (especially when you are stuck). Here are a few things to help brighten your day. =)
If you just got linked to this page, it's located at http://media-north.com/4wd/
4wd Vehicle Acronyms |
Here are the real meanings behind the names of these 4wd manufacturers and their vehicles. Clicking on a "pic" link will reveal a picture of said vehicle either rolled, stuck, or in some situation that I thought was funny at the time; click your browser's back button to return to the Humour page.
Most of these were created by me; at least give me credit when you plagiarise them.
To be fair: (and don't let me catch you posting this on your non-Toyota website!)
Unix Commands |
If you type these in from the csh (c shell): in Unix, you get the following responses:
% "How would you rate Toyota trucks?
Unmatched ".
% * How would you describe Jeep owners
*: Ambiguous.
% ^How did the^engine mods go?
Modifier failed.
% set i="Wet_map";mkdir $i;chmod 000 $i;ls $i
Wet_map unreadable
% make 'heads or tails of lift laws'
Make: Don't know how to make heads or tails of lift laws. Stop.
% awk "Polly, the truck is sinking"
awk: syntax error near line 1
awk: bailing out near line
% 'thou shalt not get stuck'
thou shalt not get stuck: Command not found.
% man tailgate
No manual entry for tailgate.
% make arb.engage
Make: Don't know how to make arb.engage. Stop.
% If I had a ) for every time I got stuck, what would I have?
Too many )'s.
% %Off-Roading-for-a-living
%Off-Roading-for-a-living: No such job.
% [Where is my stereo?
Missing ]. |
% ls Used_Car_Dealer_Ethics
Used_Car_Dealer_Ethics not found
% got a light?
No match.
% date me
You are not superuser: date not set
Mon May 11 17:52:39 PST 1998
% sleep with me
bad character
Dateline Rebuttal |
A couple of weeks ago, NBC's "Dateline" aired a tv segment all about the dangers of sport-utility vehicles (SUVs). They put the SUV's through a slalom test, and noted that the vehicles were prone to rolling when subjected to sudden steering movements. No kidding Sherlock, they aren't sports cars! They interviewed an ex-SUV owner who rolled a SUV after only putting 12 miles on the odometer, but failed to mention anything about possible driver inexperience. They said that during a collision, SUVs were more likely to injure the occupants of cars than cars would (really? duh). It was uninformed, one-sided, and biased, and drew a lot of comments from the Toyota 4x4 Mailing List when one of the listers brought it to our attention. So, why am I mentioning this on the Humour page, you ask? Well, after reading the replies from the listers, I decided to post the following tongue-in-cheek message:
(Feb 17/99: I have added "trap" to the email addresses to defeat the website spambots)
Subject: Toy4x4 List tests sports cars for Dateline
Date: Tue, 23 Jun 1998 23:37:33 -0700
From: Greg Sue
To: Toy4x4@traptlca.org
Numerous persons have reported that sports cars are dangerous, unsafe,
and poorly engineered, so an investigative team from the Toyota 4x4
Mailing List was sent to validate their claims and report back to
Dateline. Tested sports cars include Chevrolet Corvette, Mazda Miata,
and Acura NSX, which seemed to be representative of all sports cars
currently on the market (they are all more-or-less the same).
The Toyota 4x4 Mailing List Investigative Team (T4MLIT) took these
vehicles out for a day to some of the roads they usually drive, and have
made the following observations:
All vehicles exhibited a severe lack of articulation on rocky and rutted
terrain (average RTI: 14). This apparent engineering error greatly
contributed to numerous 3-point situations, necessitating increased
throttle usage to get through certain obstacles. This increased
throttle usage put driver and vehicle at great risk in off-camber
situations, resulting in a roll-over of the Miata. The Miata's
windshield and frame collapsed under the weight of the vehicle (the only
convertible-top vehicle in the group), and it was only luck that the
test driver did not suffer serious injuries. Although the driver of the
Miata had only put 12 miles on the odometer, he maintained that his
unfamiliarity with the vehicle's handling had nothing to do with the
obvious design flaw.
All vehicles also exhibited a striking lack of ground clearance. This
fact was painfully obvious when we took the NSX through a small creek,
only to have the undercarriage hang up on a small rock. The resulting
water cascading in through the drivers' window was slightly
disconcerting to the driver, who was used to driving his taller Toyota
4Runner. The end result was that the ECU shorted out and died, but not
before water was sucked in through the unusually low-mounted air
intake. Our test drivers found it amazing that any vehicle manufacturer
would build a vehicle with such limited ground clearance, then expect
anyone to drive it on a back-road.
The vehicles were not equipped with the proper equipment for the
terrain. This test involved a high-speed run on a twisting logging
road, including some muddy patches. As the Corvette was the only
vehicle to escape unscathed thus far (save for some minimal body
pinstriping and undercarriage scrapes), we were only able to test it,
and not the others. It was decided that this would not abnormally skew
the test results, as this vehicle was similar in design to the other
now-disabled test vehicles, and would in all likelihood produce
identical test results. We found that the V8-equipped Corvette, with
it's wide Z-rated mall-terrain tires, tended to fishtail wildly in
corners with just a minimal application of throttle. In addition, those
tires were absolutely useless in any kind of mud, and would not
self-clean no matter how much spinning they underwent. This appeared to
be due to the lack of voids between the lugs; we think that perhaps a
narrower all-season tire may be a more appropriate venue. Finally, when
we aired the tires down, the 45-series tires did not have enough
sidewall bulge to protect the 17-inch aluminum rims.
As the Corvette was still running, we decided to subject it to a crash
test with a SUV. Our testers used a 1997 4Runner with an ARB front
bumper, 3" lift, and 33" tires, and attempted to engage the Corvette in
a head-on collision. The 4Runner ended up driving over the hood of the
Corvette, crushing in the Corvette's windshield with it's front tires.
We propose that manufacturers who build such low-slung,
aerodynamically-shaped vehicles should incorporate a frame-mounted
6-point cage to protect the occupants in the event of a front-end
collision with a SUV. Still, others have proposed that instead of
manufacturing passenger cars to tougher crash standards, SUVs and other
vehicles should instead be manufactured to the lower crash tolerances of
passenger cars! The T4MLIT thinks that all vehicles, including sports
cars, semi-tractor units, and buses, should be built to SUV standards,
to keep everything fair. But I digress.
This brings us to the obvious conclusion that no sports cars should be
driven on rocky or rutted terrain, or they will suffer damage or even a
life-threatening roll-over. And when driven on the street, they have a
tendancy to severely injure their occupants when involved in an accident
with a well-built vehicle. To paraphrase the great Ralph Nader, all
sports cars are unsafe at any speed.
Note: The T4MLIT has submitted a warning-label design proposal to the
sports car manufacturers to warn new drivers of the potential hazards:
WARNING!
This vehicle has stiffer springs, and less ground clearance than you are
used to. It will not handle like your SUV. Do not attempt to drive
this vehicle in the same manner as you would your SUV; doing so may
result in serious injury or even death. Please read your owners' manual
before attempting any hard-core 'wheeling.
:)
Greg Sue
no-clue@trapmindless.com
http://www.geocities.com/Baja/Dunes/9948/
(This is my former url and email address; they are no longer valid.)
Greg's Twelve Step Program for 4x4 Recoveries |
Most people have heard of the "Twelve Step Program" for recovery from alcohol or drug addiction. The intent here is not to make light of the program, or to offend anyone currently undergoing such a program. However, this is a Humour page, so for all you Toyotaholics out there, here is my Twelve-Step Program for 4x4 Recoveries. If you are not familiar with the Twelve Step Program, you can read it at the Alcoholics Anonymous web site; obviously what follows here will be much funnier if you know the original text.
1. We admitted we were powerless over the mud - that the road had become undriveable.
2. Came to believe that a Force greater than our motor could return us to the road.
3. Made a decision to turn our truck and our equipment over to the care of the Winch Owner.
4. Made a searching and frantic inventory of our phone list.
5. Admitted to the Winch Owner, to ourselves, and to the laughing bystanders the exact nature of our stuck.
6. Were entirely ready to have the Winch Owner rescue our defective truck.
7. Humbly asked the Winch Owner to remove our truck.
8. Made a list of all persons who have helped get us unstuck, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would inflate their egos or the egos of others.
10. Continued to take inventory of the situation, and when we were stuck, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through food and truck parts to improve our conscious contact with the Winch Owner, bribing him only for the use of his winch for us and for the power to pull us out.
12. Having had a rude awakening as a result of this winching, we tried to carry a tug-em strap for others, and to assist fellow 'wheelers in all our trips.
Remember, admitting that you are stuck, and that you have a problem with getting stuck, is half the battle. Always carry a tug-em strap, a shovel, and a winch or come-along as part of your recovery gear.
Rock Stacking |
"Rock stacking" is the piling of rocks on a trail to enable a vehicle or driver to navigate a difficult section. We don't really have a problem with people stacking rocks, as long they UNstack their rocks when they are done. Leaving rocks stacked on a trail has the undesired effect of "paving" the trail, and annoys the heck out of everyone who drives to that trail looking for more of a challenge than a mainline logging road or a four-lane highway. If you can't be bothered to remove what you've stacked, stay on the porch.
* * * * * * * *Christmas Poem - Stuck Suzukis |
On the BC Off-Road Mailing List, there were a few messages about four Suzukis reported lost out at Blue Mountain by their families. The Vancouver Sun newspaper (Sunday Dec 1/98, page B5) reported that Ridge-Meadows Search and Rescue went out to look for them, and found them coming back from Stave Lake where they had been stuck in the mud for several hours. Apparently they were unprepared and ill-equipped. Obviously, when going 'wheeling, no matter how short or easy you think the trip will be, let people know where you are going and when you plan to be back, and always carry safety and recovery equipment. It can not only save your life, it can also prevent people like me from making fun of you. I sent the following message to the BC Off-Road Mailing List (it was a slow night at work, and I was bored, okay?!).
* * * * * * * *I see that some Jeep owner has copied this poem, substituting "Jeep" for "Toyota" and "Toyota" for "Suzuki". Typical. I always knew that Jeep owners couldn't think for themselves; that's why they bought Jeeps in the first place! Just think, once they swap their axle housings, transmission, transfer case, do a spring-over conversion, and add a trailer for storage, they'll be almost as good as a stock '85 Toyota pickup. :)
Jokes |
What were the last four words of the red-neck four-wheeler?
"Hey y'all, watch this!"
Funmogs |
Okay, so there actually is a use for a 4x4 larger than a Toyota.
Out-takes |
Going down!
Quoted |
What's inside mosquito repellent that's SO toxic that a creature who spawns in a swamp won't even touch you?
(Me, during the Jul 1/98 Upper Hut Lake trip)
I've never seen anybody else on this road when I've been up here.
(Wil, minutes before we encountered a group of 30 hikers on the Jul 1/98 Upper Hut Lake trip)
Yeah, the tire's flat... but only on the bottom.
(Dave L., telling Dan about his '82 Toyota's deflated Swamper on the Aug 3/98 Blue Mtn trip)
This is what I like about Jeeps.
(Greg W., after lifting his YJ's hood all the way open and resting it on the windshield frame)
Yeah, well, Toyota owners don't NEED to open their hoods!
(Me, on the Sept 7/98 Hut Lake trip)
You need lockers!
(Shane, noticing that I was falling behind while struggling to hike back up the steep Starvation Lake road)
I need a lift kit to solve my butt-sagging problem!
Me, physically unfit, on the Sept 24/98 Starvation Lake trip)
BFG All-Terrains: they're sh*tty in all terrains!
(Terry, on the Sep 27/98 Clear Creek trip)
I had your 4WD home page up and my daughter asked me why that
truck was falling down the hill.
(Gary J, a non-4x4 friend in an email dated Aug 26/99)
If I didn't know this road was here, I wouldn't know this road was here!
(Jud via VHF radio, on the Sep 3/99 Poison Mtn trip)
Earth First; we'll log the other planets later!
(A not-so-subtle dig at the eco-terrorists, spotted on a couple of trucks at the Blue Mountain protest rally, May/00)
How efficient is this: I'm sitting in front of a roaring fire, drinking an ice-cold Coke.
(Me, in an email message on our mailing list, sometime around Mar 00)
It looks shinier on the 'net!
(A Toyota owner in North Vancouver, spotting my truck at Starbucks near the end of Dec 01)
This page is continuously under construction; I will add more material when the little voices in my head speak to me again.
This website has been tested on cute, furry animals, who cried piteously as it was being read to them.
If you've been linked to this page, please check out the rest of the site!
